The Silmarillion For Dummies
by Avalon Estel
Summary: Do you want to read The Silmarillion, but just don't have the time? Have you tried to read it, and just don't understand it? Want to read a version without all the thous, thees, and hearken unto mes? Then read this! Not educational. ON HIATUS.
1. Ainulindale, or the Music of the Ainur

The Silmarillion For Dummies

A/N: First of all, I highly respect Professor Tolkien. He started fantasy as a genre, he was a very imaginative man, and very influential in the world of literature. I love his works. He was a great author. I respect that _The Silmarillion_ was his life's work. I'm warning any purists now, if all you plan to do is lecture me on the blasphemy of such a parody, don't even bother reviewing. I'm just having fun. And I hope you, dear reader, are entertained. Thank you.

Disclaimer: "The Silmarillion" and all related characters, locations, languages, etc. belong to the Tolkien Estate. I make no claims to it. This was not written for profit, only for my personal enjoyment.

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_Chapter One: Ainulindalë (Or, the Music of the Ainur)_

In the beginning, there was only Eru. Eru was the one, the only, the head honcho.

And he was bored.

So he created the Ainur. Pretty much all the Ainur knew how to do was sing. So Eru had them sing. It sounded like an orchestra, because that was the kind of music he liked.

But there was one of the Ainur who did not like orchestra music, and his name was Melkor.

Melkor liked hip-hop. So one day he got it into his head that he was going to sing hip-hop music, instead of that boring stuff that the other dimwit Ainur sang. He started to sing.

Needless to say, Eru didn't like that.

As the other Ainur continued to sing, Eru started another chorus of music. It drowned out the hip-hop. Melkor's voice, however, gathered strength. The Ainur stopped singing as Eru made another wave of music sound through…wherever it was they were living. Melkor got louder. The third time, Eru succeeded in drowning him out.

Then, the music stopped.

"Now, come over here and look at what your singing made!" Eru said, leading his procession of Ainur to a big black hole called THE VOID. "That's what you guys did!" he said, pointing.

"Cool!" cried Manwë. "It's a little ball!"

Eru smacked his forehead. "That is Eä. It's a world and everything in it is mine. I want some of you to go down there to do some interior decorating so it will be nice when I decide to send some carbon-based life forms down there to live."

"Ooooh," said the Ainur.

"Yay," said Melkor monotonously, waving around a little flag with a ball on it that said "Eä".

"And no more trouble from you, little man," Eru said, pointing a finger at Melkor.

"Oh, no sir," Melkor said, grinning like a mischievous child. Except at that time, there was no such thing as a mischievous child.

"I hope so," Eru said. "So, who's going?"

"Me! Me!" cried all the Ainur, hopping around with their hands in the air.

Eru picked Ulmo (who was in charge of all things watery), Manwë (in charge of air, though he didn't realize that it was because he was an _air_head), Aulë (who was in charge of all things made of rocks and dirt, otherwise known as earth), and Melkor (who was in charge of…actually, he wasn't really _in charge_ of anything. He was just kind of…there.) because he was like a brother to Manwë, only a lot smarter. He also sent other Ainur, but they will be named in the next chapter.

The Ainur who went to Eä (or rather, the world shaped like a ball) were called the Valar. They set to work right away to make Arda (another name for Eä) as comfy as possible so that the carbon-based life forms – whatever _they_ were – could have a nice, happy life.

Yeah, right.


	2. Valaquenta, or the other title

The Silmarillion For Dummies

A/N: I must warn everyone: don't take my summary seriously. This should not be used as a learning tool. It will _not_ teach you about _The Silmarillion._ Melkor did _not_ like hip-hop. Manwë was _not_ stupid. I don't know if Eru liked classical music; maybe he did. The point is, never try to learn literary classics from parodies. It might give you the main story, but it will not give you the actual impact of the story. If you have a lot of time on your hands (considering its length), go read the original. It's better for your health, and a wonderful novel. Reviewer responses can be found at the end of the chapter. Thank you everyone!

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Chapter Two: Valaquenta (or, The Account of the Valar and the Maiar According to the Lore of the Eldar) – Yes, that's the actual title…_

**Of the Valar**

The author doesn't feel like going back and summarizing the last chapter, so she will simply continue.

Where were we? Ah, yes. Which Ainur became the Valar?

Well, you already know about Manwë (he was the dumb one), Melkor (the one who liked hip-hop), Ulmo (the watery one), and Aulë (the one who liked dirt). But what of the others?

There were seven Lords of the Valar, who were the males, and there were also seven Valier, or Queens of the Valar, who were obviously the females. This might get confusing. Pay attention.

The Lords were Manwë, Ulmo, Aulë, Oromë, Mandos, Lórien, and Tulkas (I'll explain the last four in a minute). The Queens were Varda, Yavanna, Nienna, Estë, Vairë, Nessa, and Vána. For some reason, they don't count Melkor as one of the Valar. I suppose it was the hip-hop thing.

Varda lives with Manwë on the tallest mountain in Valinor (which you'll learn about later). She is the Lady of the Stars, and made all the constellations that you can see every night, unless you live in the city. She improves Manwë's sight, because he can see farther if she's with him, and he improves her hearing. So it's a win-win situation. The Elves hold Varda as the greatest of the Valar, and call her Elbereth, because in order to hold the Valar important, people have to give them all kinds of crazy, endless names.

Ulmo stays by himself, and doesn't ever really come on land. He rules all the water all over Eä, and loves Men and Elves (the carbon-based life forms that show up later).

Aulë is in charge of the earth, as we already know, and likes making pretty things like jewelry. He's the best smith in the world, and taught everything he knows about it to the Dwarves (other life forms that show up later) and Elves.

Yavanna was the wife of Aulë. Please don't ask how, because nothing is known of the Valar's wedding rituals, so just accept the fact and move on. She takes care of plants and things like that, and without her, we'd probably starve.

Mandos and Lórien are brothers (once again, don't ask, just accept it). Their real names are Námo and Irmo, but we'll call them the first names. Mandos is Lord of the Dead, and in his halls live the spirits of…well, the dead. He has the best memory of everyone in the whole world, and can see into the future. Except he doesn't need to, because he already knows everything that's going to happen. His wife is Vairë, and she makes tapestries of everything that happens in Eä. It's a wonder her hands don't fall off, as much weaving as she does.

Lórien is the Lord of Dreams. His wife is Estë, who is a healer of weariness and pain. Lots of times she helps even the Valar when they're tired. Huh, some Great Ones. Have you ever heard of Elemental Lords that needed to rest? So much for them being almighty.

Then, there's Mandos and Lórien's sister Nienna. She's waterlogged, because her special ability is crying. She cries for everything bad that happens. Strangely enough, though, she teaches everyone about hope.

Then there's Tulkas. He's the "Conan the Barbarian" of the Valar. Think Viking meets celestial spirit, and there you go. He's pretty much all brawn, no brains. He's married to Nessa, who isn't really in charge of anything in particular. She likes deer.

Wow.

Oromë is Nessa's brother, and the Lord of the Hunt, I guess. He owns lots of dogs and horses, and rides around hunting all the time. He has a horn. He's married to Vána, who's Lady of the Flowers.

That's all the Valar. Confused? I hope not.

**Of the Maiar**

Eru also sent lesser spirits with the Valar called the Maiar, and they're servants of the Valar.

Gasp! The Valar had _servants_! They enslaved others!

No, I'm joking. The Maiar liked it.

There were quite a few of them, but the only ones I'm really going to talk about are Melian and Olórin. Melian becomes important later, and is the mother of the most beautiful being in the history of Arda (remember, that's another name for Eä). Olórin isn't all that important early on, but there's something they don't tell you. He was _Gandalf_! So Gandalf's not even mortal! Dun, dun, dun!

**Of the Enemies**

Melkor was the only really important bad guy. Remember, there's _always_ a bad guy. So Melkor decided that he was going to own Arda. Arda would be his, and he would be dictator over everyone. Thanks to the valiant deeds of the Valar, it would not be so. Melkor lured the Balrogs to be his bodyguards. They were made of fire and shadow, and no one can decide whether or not they had wings.

But that's not important.

Also, his little servant-Maia was Sauron, who we all know forged the Ring of Power and caused all those problems in Middle-Earth. He was Melkor's spy, and did everything he was told.

And so, you know who everyone (thus far) is. The story continues in the next chapter. The author does hope that this wasn't confusing. If so, you may read it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

**TBC…**

Reviewer Responses:

swee-haret179: Pay attention to the a/n. Don't trust this to teach you the Silmarillion. I'm glad you like it, though.

Malara: Glad you like it! And once again, don't try to learn from this.

Miss Piratess: I love it, too. I noticed there were no actual parodies of it itself, so I decided I'd be the first. Go me! And I'm glad you approve, oh great master of humor.

Noldo: Wow! You're reading this! _Noldo _is reading _my_ story. One of the greats in humor...is reading this. Thank you! No, I've never read it, though I'd like to. I'm glad you liked it. I enjoyed writing about the interior decorating. There's an update!

Here comes the hockey puck: Thank you! And don't try to learn from this!

Vana Tuivana: Nice to see you again.I'm glad you like it.

Super Shayde: Okay, I _know_ you've never read this, so don't try to read this and say you have. I updated! Be happy!

A/N: For some reason, I don't think this chapter was as funny as the last. However, it was a bit hard to mock this chapter, due to the fact that nothing really _happens_. But things will get really fun when the Elves show up...


	3. Of the Beginning of Days

The Silmarillion For Dummies

_Chapter Three: Of the Beginning of Days_

Then, the interior decorating began.

However, Melkor destroyed everything the Valar created, so they really wasted a lot of time. Build, destroy, build, destroy, over and over. It was stupid, really. Then, Eru sent Tulkas (Conan) to help the Valar and Valier, because for some reason they were too weak to deal with Melkor on their own. So Tulkas scared Melkor away, probably by blustering and laughing at the same time, which I daresay would probably be a scary thing to behold. Melkor left Arda entirely and took up a nice little abode in THE OUTER DARKNESS, or THE VOID, or outer space, as we'd call it, thus leaving them to go back to building.

Which they did.

"This is going to be fun!" Manwë said happily, clapping his hands. "Interior decorating is always fun!"

Varda responded by smacking him in the back of the head.

But before they could begin working, they had to make some kind of light, because let's face it: you can't really see what you're doing without light, and with the detailed furnishing the Valar were doing, they really needed to see. To solve the problem, Aulë, with his superior crafting skills, made two giant lamps and placed them on the tallest summits of the tallest mountains in Arda. The Valar lived on an island exactly in between them.

The author wonders: where were the electric outlets they used to plug them in?

"Hey, Aulë, where do you plug these lamps in?" asked Mandos, voicing her question and gazing at the lamps. The Valar had gathered on their little island to have a party, as they'd finished their work on Arda. Tulkas had just gotten married to Nessa. Once again, the author knows nothing of how Valar marry one another, so no details are available on rituals, outfits, how big the cake was, etc.

"Idiot," muttered Aulë, "you don't plug them in. They're lanterns!"

"Ah," said Mandos, seeing the oversized candles inside.

"I'm just curious, what if someone breaks these?" asked Aulë's wife, Yavanna, who'd just spent a long time planting forests and valleys and "all those cute little flowers" that Vána had helped her make.

"No one's going to break them," said her husband.

"But what if they _do_?" countered Yavanna. "All my forests will burn!" She gasped, suddenly realizing the urgency of such a happening. She seized his collar. "They'll cause forest fires!"

"No one's going to break them," repeated Aulë.

"But what about Melkor?" she continued.

"He lives in THE VOID."

"What if he comes back?"

"He _won't_," said Aulë.

Just then there was an ear-shattering crash.

Needless to say, Melkor had broken the lamps. He'd come back to Arda and built himself a little fortress in Middle-Earth, too, where he fled right away.

"I _told_ you," said Yavanna with a sudden surge of superiority. Too late again, she realized that her forests were on fire. "We have to put them out!" she cried.

All the Valar then rushed to put out the fires that were by then blazing all over Arda. Finally, the fires died out, and they were very glad that the carbon-based life forms hadn't shown up yet.

"I did not foresee this," said Manwë, gazing at the destruction.

"You don't even see ten feet ahead of you! How do you expect to see the future?" asked Varda in exasperation.

As Lórien ran by, screaming because the fluffy ball at the end of his nightcap was on fire, Nessa looked at the other Valar.

"So, does this mean we have to do it all again?" she asked.

"Yep," said Yavanna, giving Aulë a hateful glare.

"And the deer are gone?" gasped Nessa in horror.

"Afraid so."

Nessa dissolved into tears, with Nienna sobbing away beside her.

Yavanna, on the other hand, was livid, and began to plan a new way of illuminating Arda.

The Valar proceeded to build Valinor, an island to the far west. They made it beautiful, with giant mansions and sprawling gardens. While the other Valar went to live in the city of Valimar (except Ulmo, who stayed in the sea), Manwë and Varda went to live on the tallest mountain, which was called Taniquetil, and Oiolossë, and Ellerína, and tons of other names, because we all know that for anything to be important, it has to have tons of names that no one can remember.

Then, Yavanna led them all to a hill and started dancing and singing.

"What's she doing?" Mandos asked Aulë.

"Said she's creating 'organic illumination'," whispered Aulë.

"Ah."

When she'd finished performing, two trees grew out of the ground, one with silver leaves and the other with gold. They lit up all of Valinor, amazingly enough, and Yavanna made them holy so that no one who was unworthy could touch them. And she started the calendar.

"Ha!" she cried triumphantly to her husband. "You should have asked me in the first place! Now pay up!"

Grudgingly, Aulë shoved two Maiar towards Yavanna. "Fine. Take 'em."

And everyone lived in peace for a while.

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Reviewer Responses:

Super Shayde: Okay then. I'm glad you thought so, and those accents are getting on my nerves _so badly_. Ah, well. Yes, be happy! And update "Kettle of Nackledirk"!

Here comes the hockey puck: I actually think I'd be a bit scared to see my version of these guys. Go! Find _The Silmarillion_! Complete your quest! And thank you!

Kalayna: Glad you approve! And I thought Olorin/Gandalf is interesting, too.

Nawyn: Thank you! I can't stand hip hop myself, so I figured, why not? And the Nessa line is my favorite part!

Hanna M.: (blushes) Thank you! I hardly think I'm the queen...I mean, there are so many out there better than me! There's your update!

swee-haret179: There you go!

Voldie on Varsity Track: Thank you! I'm happy that you like my work, since I only write this stuff for fun. I really, _really _appreciate that you took my personal beliefs into account, and I'm sorry I can't read your stories. However, I very much appreciate your reviews. You could do a parody if you wanted. I'm not one to suppress a person's ideas. NO, NOT CARCHAROTH! I UPDATED!

Blue Marten: Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and that you think it's worth reading.

Piratica: It's my subconscious. Somehow, it's more insane than I am. And that's my favorite line, too.

Katatonia: I'm glad you find it helpful. _The Silmarillion_ is a bit tedious if you're not used to reading long books or archaic language, but I am. Glad you like it.

Unsung Heroine: Thanks! I really liked inserting my own comments, because some of that stuff is so _weird_. I don't get a lot of it, and unfortunately, Tolkien's dead. There's an update!

jilian baade: Yes. How _dare_ he interrupt the opera and classical? It's sacrilege!

Miss Piratess: It's S.P.E.W. all over again!

AliciaF: I would, too, my friend. I'm delighted that you like it!

Eathiln: I'm glad you think so. And really, what's the point of having a billion names for one person - or being, rather. It doesn't make sense! Glad you like it!

Keddi: Thank you. And also, thank you for trying to help, but it _is_ Conan. I looked it up.

Vana Tuivana: Alas, no Elves yet, my friend. Thank you for your beautiful review of "Lament". Was this chapter silly enough?

Erestor: Ah, you're here! I'm honored. I enjoy making Manwe stupid... And I liked writing about the Maiar. Don't know about it beinga translation, because I think it's getting a bit strange, but I try. Thank you!

Malara: I'm happy you like it. Yes, it is confusing, and the book is even more so! Thanks!

vanyarelves: About the same amount of chapters as there are in the original, methinks. Yes, the carbon-based life forms will be fun. O.o Did you call Melkor "Daddy"? Thanks!

anticipationnation: Mr. Burns? I don't know any Mr. Burns. But I'm glad you think so! I updated!

Artemisa: Aw, I'm glad! (hug) Thank you!

sakura117us: Does your name have to do with Card Captor Sakura? I'm glad you like it.

Nessa Ar-Feiniel: Ah, yes. Mucho simplified, and _extremely_ parodied. Thank you!

Melia Nerine: WOW! I can't believe you're here! I adored "The Chess Match". Definitely a favorite of mine. I'm glad you like my summary. And I hope I'm at least clear. Thank you so much!

A/N: I really appreciate all the reviews, everyone. I can't believe it's so popular. Thank you!


	4. Of Aule and Yavanna

The Silmarillion For Dummies

A/N: In response to WannabeActress's review, you're right. The deer _are _carbon-based life forms. However, they were there. So were many other kinds of animals. The Valar were talking about THE carbon-based life forms; in other words, the Elves. Sorry for the confusion.

Chapter Two: Of Aule and Yavanna

One day, while Yavanna was tending her little garden in Valimar, Aule put down the clay he'd been molding and said, "Honey, I'm bored."

Yavanna, busy pruning the bushes, smiled. "That's nice, dear," she said off-handedly.

Aule gazed at the clay sitting in the grass in front of him. He noticed that it looked vaguely like a short, bulky Vala.

An idea began forming in his brain.

Why didn't he just make his own carbon-based life forms? He could teach them smithing, and take care of them, and he could use earth to make them!

He looked up at Yavanna. "Hey, have there been any sightings of the life forms yet?"

"Nope," Yavanna replied, clipping some wayward branches from a rosebush.

"Well, what if I made my own?" he asked. He then launched into a long explanation of what he would do with them, what he could accomplish. He decided he would only tell her, since she was his wife, and everyone else would probably scold him. He could just hear Ulmo - "What dost thou think thou art doing? How darest thou defy Illuvatar's will in such a blasphemous manner?" (Ulmo enjoyed using what Manwe called "fancy-speak".)

When he finished, he looked at Yavanna. She was calmly yanking weeds from the soil. "Well?" he asked.

"Hmmm?" she asked.

"Weren't you listening?" he demanded.

"What?" she said. She looked at him and grinned. "Oh, yes. Very nice, dear."

Aule sighed. As usual, she hadn't heard a word he'd said.

He went off into the mountains to make his own beings.

He had to think about how he was going to make them. They had to be strong and sturdy. They had to be tough and long-lasting. They had to be able to withstand Melkor and able to lift heavy objects so he wouldn't have to.

"I got it!" he cried triumphantly, snapping his fingers.

A couple days later, he had the first seven Dwarves standing in front of him. None of them were named Grouchy, Dopey, or Doc, the author can assure you. Those Dwarves don't exist in this world.

Just as Aule was putting the finishing touches on the last one, he heard Eru's voice. "What are you doing?" he roared.

"Ah, well - you see - I just - and then -"

"You got tired of waiting for the life forms?" asked Eru.

Aule nodded meekly.

"So you made your own?"

"So I made my own."

"You do know that these guys are pretty much statues, don't you? I mean, they won't move unless you tell them to, they won't think, they won't even sneeze without you telling them to."

"Why would I make them sneeze?" asked Aule, sounding very confused.

"I don't know," Eru said incredulously. "It was just an example!"

"Oh. They wouldn't even blink on their own?"

"Nope."

"What have I done?" gasped Aule in horror. "I made things that can't even blink! How could anyone live with such irritated eyes?" He grabbed a giant hammer and got ready to destroy the Dwarves, because it would be torturous for the Dwarves to not be able to blink, as no one had invented eye drops yet.

The Dwarves shrank back in fear, their eyes wide and terrified. Shocked, Aule dropped the hammer on his foot. After hopping around and shouting, "Ow!" for a few moments, he said, "Wait a minute! I thought you said they couldn't move on their own!"

"Idiot!" yelled Eru. "I made them come to life! But since it's not time for them to be around yet, I'm going to put them into a deep sleep until the Firstborn come."

"Firstborn?"

"You know, the carbon-based life forms!"

"Oh, those guys. Any chance you could tell me when they're gonna show up?"

"No. That's confidential material. Can't say."

Aule sighed. "Thanks, anyway."

"All righty, then. Bye!"

"Bye," Aule replied, sounding dismayed.

"Hey, Nienna does enough angst as it is. Don't add to it," Eru advised.

So Eru put them to sleep and Aule put them in a safe place. Then, Aule went back to Yavanna, who was planting a bunch of flowers. He told her about the Dwarves and his conversation with Eru.

"You should have told me about it before!" she said. "Now they won't appreciate nature, and they'll cut down my trees!" She sniffled.

"I _did_ tell you!" he protested. "You never pay any attention to me! If you did, you would have heard about them before."

Yavanna sniffed. "Oh, well. In any case, they won't take care of my forests."

"When they come, they'll use whatever they need. This stuff is made for them, if you remember. That was the point of the interior decorating!"

Yavanna was still troubled, so she went to talk to Manwe.

"Is it true that the life forms will be able to do whatever they want with my creations?" she asked.

Manwe, who was at the time playing with a paddleball, said, "Yeah, I think so."

"Well that's not fair!" she protested.

Manwe shrugged.

"I mean, at least the animals can run away! The trees are going to be stuck where they are, and they're going to kill them all! They're murderers!" Angry and pouty, she went back home.

Eru then sent the Song to Manwe once more, and Manwe noticed something he didn't notice before.

He went to the Two Trees to see Yavanna.

"Eru told me that your stuff will be okay. There will be some life forms that will take care of them."

"Really?" she snuffled.

"Really," he confirmed, smacking the ball furiously with the paddle. "Did you know, we made something together, and they'll protect the forests for the most part."

"Rangers?" asked Yavanna hopefully.

Manwe shook his head. "Nope. Eagles."

"Eagles?" she repeated.

"Eagles."

"Then I'll make my trees really tall, so that the Eagles can live in them!"

"Sorry. Only Aule's trees will be tall enough," Manwe said, concentrating on the toy.

"You mean the mountains?" Yavanna asked.

"Yep."

"Ooh! Why is it always Aule?" she said. She stomped off in a huff and went to tell Aule about it.

"Nonetheless they'll have need of wood 1," he told her. He calmly went back to his smithing.

* * *

1: The last line said by Aule is actually in the book. It is (c) J.R.R. Tolkien, p. 46 of "The Silmarillion", Second Edition, published 2001 by Houghton Mifflin. 

Reviewer Responses:

Unsung Heroine: Ah, I kinda liked Galadriel in the movie, but Book!Galadriel is better. And if I were Varda, I bet Manwe would get annoying. Thank you, and please breathe!

Kalayna: Aw! (blushes) That's sweet. There you go! (points up)

Keddi: We're not, dear. I've never read Discworld, actually, though I've heard about it. I was talking about a movie. Thanks!

Miss Piratess: Aw, but torture's fun!

BanbieBunny: Thank you! I'm glad you like it. And I hope you had fun at your workshop!

Malara: Well, I'm glad you do. Yes, I have the book and am reading it as I write the chapters, so that they're accurate. Thanks!

Nawyn: Don't you just love it when those historical and mythological characters talk like us? It's fun! I'm glad you like it. Thank you!

BloodRedSorrow: Thank you!

Nessa Ar-Feiniel: Oh, I don't think it's laughter. I'm massacring his characters... He'd probably kill me if he was alive. Thank you!

Voldie on Varsity Track: I'd still like to know why you chose your pen name. No, not Turin! I updated! And I'm sorry to say that Turin's chapter won't be here. It's not exactly G-rated material, and I'm very sorry about that. Please don't be angry!

Sakura117us: Oh, sorry for the mistake. I liked that anime, too. I'm delighted that you like it! The Elves are coming soon!

Yyunesprith: Everyone's capable of going crazy, my friend! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Silver Flame of the Phoenix: There you go! I'm glad you are enjoying it. I don't think I'm brave. (cowers at heights and blood) It's just that I noticed there were no parodies, and of course, I had to do one. Thank you!

anticipationnation: Something tells me it probably would have. Thanks!

WannabeActress: Thank you! My sister actually came up with Lorien's hat being on fire. I just added the ball... I'm glad you like it!

Thank you everyone. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.


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